Sunday, April 29
I left home this morning at 9 am.
The closer I got to Breitenbush, the more life slowed down, from driving on the interstate, to a two-lane highway, and finally a gravel road. And my mind also slowed. The deeper into the forest I traveled the more my mind and heart felt at peace.
I arrived for my personal retreat at the end of a women's weekend. There were women everywhere and the place was full of beautiful female energy.
The grounds here are so full of life and yet so calm.
I cannot settle into my cabin for a few hours, so I soaked in one of the rock-lined hot spring pools. It felt so good to feel the hot water, bubbling up from the Earth, surrounding me with its warmth. I felt my anxieties begin to drain out of me.
It is my hope that the time I spend here will be a healing experience and help me to find the answers to the questions in my life.
Sitting in the hot pool of water, I closed my eyes and thought about the man who has been in my heart so much~ how good it feels to be with him, how happy I am when I'm by his side. And then my thoughts of him became the following words:
It's OK for me to love you,
But you are not the answer.
I am the answer!
Still Sunday...3:15 pm
I just got out of a hot pool again. I have only been here for a few hours and already I feel a sense of peace.
How I wish I could live my life in this kind of environment. To get a piece of forested land and create a haven where my family and loved ones could live. To share the beauty of nature and the love of God with others. I pray for my wish's fruitation, for my reasons are not selfish, but of love and a strong desire to give to others. I will visualize and pray for this dream to come true.
8:30 pm
Had another soak before dinner ~ a wonderful vegetarian meal~ then again after!
Walking back through the forest a deer crossed in front of me. It stopped and looked at me for quite a while, as I told it how beautiful it was. We stood not ten feet apart.
They say it's bad luck for a black cat to cross your path, but a deer in the forest?
That's got to be good luck!
I am in my cabin for the night. I turned on the radiator after dinner, and now it is all warmed with geothermal heat. What a cozy little cabin. How fortunate that I have it to myself!
Monday, April 30
This morning at breakfast I sat with two men I'd met in the hot pool yesterday.
One of them, Fred, told me just the things I needed to hear. He confirmed the feelings I have been having: that it's not wrong to love, to share pleasure with others. The "wrong" would be in not doing it. That if you feel a connection with another person you should follow your feelings and let them lead you wherever they go.
I don't remember the words he used, but they spoke directly to my heart, filled my eyes with tears, and gave my soul a confirmation.
I thanked him for saying just what I needed to hear.
After lunch I walked down to the Breitenbush river~ just a short ways down a trail and across a footbridge. I laid on a flat rock that ran down to the water, took off my shirt, and felt the warmth of the sun on my breasts. The sound of the river rushing by filled me with such peace and gratitude. Every once in a while the water would splash up onto my feet, as if to say hello. What a beautiful connection!
Tuesday, May 1
Last night after dinner I decided to play the piano in the lodge library. My new friends, Fred and Jeff wanted to hear me. Soon the room was full of people listening to me play and sing. I am so thankful for my gift of music and for the chance to share it in a place as beautiful as this. I played for one and a half hours. It felt so great.
Then Jeff, Fred and I went to the medicine wheel tubs.
I have had such a great time getting to know them. Jeff comes here a couple of times a year, flying in from Dallas, Texas. He is my age, and so full of peaceful, spiritual energy. Just before coming here this time he was at a workshop with the Dalai Lama, whom he has seen many times.
Jeff and I connected on a humorous level and have laughed a lot together.
Fred is older than me and lives in Portland. He is a free spirit who has truly learned to love life.
After we were in the tubs awhile Jeff and I walked up to the lodge to get their friend Lynn, who is teaching a three-day workshop here. We all visited in the tubs until midnight.
I had another restful night of sleep here in the forest.
This morning after breakfast Lynn played a couple of songs on the piano in the lodge lobby. She is an amazing pianist. Both were songs she wrote. The second one had a line that spoke directly to me. She said:
I've always had my spirit
But I forgot about my soul.
That certainly describes my feelings in my life right now!
After one last soak, Jeff and Fred had to get on their way. How blessed I am to have met the two of them. I know people come into our lives for a reason, and at the right time. Surely these two are blessings in mine.
We hugged goodbye, and though I have only known them less than 48 hours, it felt like leaving long time friends.
I will stay here a while longer and then make the three-hour journey back home.
What an amazing retreat it has been!
