Clarity

Clarity

It was a time of faith and clarity.

Before the surgery I looked at the hills behind the hospital and thought that maybe this would be the last time I saw them. I felt so peaceful at the thought of dying, but decided I still had too many things to do with my life, so I put faith in the fact that this was just a temporary slow-down.
I had faith in my surgeon, that she would remove all of the cancer from my breast. I wasn’t sure exactly what that would mean, but I trusted her to do the right thing.

When I woke up I saw my daughter and grand-daughter, followed by my mother, so much worry on their faces. I tried to hide the pain I was feeling to spare them more worry. I waited for my husband to show up but he never did.
This is where the clarity began.
I told my surgeon I was surprised at how much pain I was in. She explained that because the cancer was so far back against my chest wall she had needed to remove muscle too, and that’s what was hurting. When she laid her hand on my breast to show me where the cancer had been, all I could think was, “I know that spot. It’s where I hold my pain.”

All of those years, when his words would hurt me, I would feel a tightness in my chest- in that exact spot. And because I was not allowed to say my own words, the pain was kept inside. There it grew, a mixture of swallowed tears, feelings of inadequacy, and words like useless and insignificant. A toxic stew of sorrow that eventually turned into cancer.
But now it was gone. I was free. Everything shifted, became clear.
And with this clarity came a great sense of power. I was strong. I could do this.
Never again would I let my life be controlled by someone else.

When the cancer clinic recommended I start chemotherapy right away, followed by radiation, I said no thank you; I would be looking at other options. They told me I was making a mistake, but I had faith in myself.
My friend Charlie called to tell me about a clinic near Seattle. “The best alternative cancer treatments in the world”, he said. “Their work is why I became a Doctor.”
Clarity again. This was why we had met in the Breitenbush forest six months earlier. So that he could guide me through my cancer treatment.

All of that was two years ago, and I am still cancer-free. I know there is a chance it will return, but life is full of chances. I will deal with whatever happens when it happens.
In the meantime I am living each day as a gift.
I no longer hold on to toxic words. I let them flow through me and then run off.
And I am finding my own voice- one that is strong, but full of love.
Faith, clarity, and always love.


Rishell Graves
April 22, 2010