That Night

Fifteen Minutes

"I know
I’m coming to the coda
as I know all waltzes stop.
If we stay at distance
five years more is all I need
If you hold me
fifteen minutes should be plenty."
(Rod McKuen)

I copied this poem onto the back of a photograph over forty years ago, and I have kept it to remind me of one of the happiest times of my life, which was also, ironically, the beginning of a heartache that has never left. No amount of joy can erase the feeling of missing someone. You look for ways to ignore the sadness, to find substitutes, but nothing ever feels quite right. I found myself there again recently, although only briefly. It was then that I realized that the homesickness I had been feeling all these years was gone when I was in his arms.
Oh, how I long for another fifteen minutes.

Thank you

Thank you for showing me what love is NOT.
Now I will recognize what love IS,
With eyes wide open.

Thank you for all of the lies,
because now I know not to listen to words,
But instead, hear  a person's heart.

Thank you for walking out on me,
Leaving me to be free,
And remember myself again.

Thank you for the chance to choose
forgiveness instead of hate,
Love instead of fear,
And to live each day in gratitude.

Thank you for breaking my heart
And leaving me shattered into a million pieces,
Because the ME I picked up and put back together
Is so much better than before,

With a beautiful light
shining through all of the cracks.

Rishell Graves
February 27, 2017

Traces

There are traces of everyone I have ever loved,

Things I could never let go of.

The sound of laughter,

The taste of tears,

The way he smiled.

A scent that reminds me of one,

A song that brings me back to another.

Voices that still haunt me,

Others that bring comfort.

Each is a part of who I have become.

I carry these pieces in my heart,

The DNA of each lover imprinted on my cells.

The light of every star that formed them,

Mixed with the starlight of my own soul.

Is it any wonder that I cannot turn loose of these parts of myself,

Made from the traces of others?

I keep each one safe inside, a part of me forever,

A big swirling mass of LOVE

That has created and defined what I am.

Happy Birthday Dan Fogelberg

Today would have been Dan Fogelberg's birthday, but like so many great musicians he was taken from us much too soon.

I remember the first time I saw him was at an Eagles concert. He was the opening act...just him sitting at the piano, singing. He touched my heart with the first song he sang. And then he contintinued to do so for years, his music helping me through those soul-searching years of my youth.

I got to meet him in the late 70's when my friend Tom Kelly's band, Fools Gold, was his back-up band. It was the morning following his concert, and we were in the hotel lobby. He seemed so distant. We made eye contact, and there was so much sadness there. I smiled at him, but did not say anything, and I wish I would have. Maybe he just needed a word of encouragement, or to know someone cared in that moment.

A few years ago he visited me in a dream, and told me the answer to a question in my life. The dream was so real, the message so profound.

Thank you Dan for touching my life for so many years with your amazing music.
R.I.P.

I See Your Broken Pieces

I see your broken pieces, and I want to gather them up and put you back together again. That's what I do because I am a healer. Because my heart is so full of love that I long to give away. That's what I have done over and over again. There is a long list of failed attempts.

It has taken me years to finally figure it out. I cannot fix the broken people. Yes, I can give them comfort and a temporary fix. It may last for a night, a few months, years, decades....but in the end they are still broken, and I am left with a shattered heart. Left to put myself back together once again.

I don't know why I am drawn to the souls who are so broken. Why my eyes meet theirs across a room full of people, or deep in the forest, or on a crowded city street, and we know each other. This is not a bad thing, reconnecting with my soul family, here on Earth. But I need to go about it differently. I need to let go of the notion of ownership. There is no "soul mate" that I need to spend my life with. We all belong to each other, and yet no one can own another. This is where I fall....in believing I have found my other half, when really I am whole all by myself.

This time, when I see your eyes so full of pain, I will still open my arms to you. I will let LOVE pour from my heart, and you can choose whether or not you want to receive it. But I will not be your "bandaid."  I will not add you to my list of projects. I will not give myself away.

I will acknowledge the pain that we both may feel, kiss the broken parts so that you might see them, show you how to glue them back together yourself. I will hold onto my own spirit and let it's strength guide me. I will still say, "I love you," because I do. Because that is what I am: LOVE.

Loving without ownership

"Just because you are not "mine" does not mean that I should not love you. Because really, we all belong to each other. It is our destiny to love one another. And so I will continue to pour love into you, whether you are beside me or apart- it makes no difference- and I hope you can receive it, this gift from God, and feel the great joy with which it is given."

I wrote these words recently to a friend of mine, to try to make him see what I meant about loving without ownership.

Once we let go of the ideas we have been trained to believe, that connection needs to lead to a "relationship" between two people, we can be truly free to love. It is EGO that feels the need to own someone, and if we can move beyond that, and love with our spirit, we can love without fear.

My heart knows this truth, and I share it with grace.