Me, singing a cover of CREEP

It's not you, it's me

A couple of days ago I got a phone call from D, the man who has been pursuing me for the past few months. When our paths first crossed he stopped to tell me how attracted he was to me, and I was so shocked I didn't know what to say.  I mean, he was gorgeous, and a lot younger than me, and it was the last thing I expected.  I have to admit I have enjoyed his phone calls, texts and meeting for coffee, and the way he makes me laugh and feel better about myself. But I felt it was only fair to let him know that this is not the time for me to be involved with anyone. Coming out of the wreckage and betrayal of my last 5 year relationship, I am finally starting to get my head above water. I explained that I had to just focus on ME right now. When I said the words, "it's not you, it's me" I could barely believe I was using that old cliche', let alone turning down a beautiful man with a kind heart, who I really did not want to hurt. I hope he believed me. He said he understood. I know my heart, and it doesn't just take love lightly, and right now it is so fragile. Still, I thank the universe for sending him my way, to boost my shattered self-esteem, and to give me hope that someday I WILL be ready. Until then, I will move forward with the love of the one person I know will not hurt me...MYSELF.

Neverland

I am lying in my bed, in the sanctuary I have created, looking up at the canopy netting above and beside me. This is where I go to center myself, count my blessings, and calm my broken heart. I think of how it feels like looking up into the clouds, and the white lights above me are like the stars of dusk. Maybe I can find my future somewhere, there in the twinkling glow. "Second star to the right, and straight on 'til morning...." These words I now associate with someone new, who has touched my soul and healed me in ways for which I am forever grateful. And I sigh, ah yes, Neverland. That is where I want to go. Not forever, but just for awhile, until I can find my way again. Maybe there I could love freely, without rules or restrictions. I could walk hand-in-hand with the lost boy who needs comfort as much as I do. My heart longs for this kind of freedom, but time has brought me here, to the world where I am all grown up. Where the only way I can get to Neverland is in my dreams. And so I close my eyes, and go there once again.

The Heart of the Matter

This is the title of one of my favorite Don Henley tunes, a beautiful song about forgiveness. However, there is so much more to this phrase. This week, in the wake of another series of  shootings, my heart is broken again. I cannot separate myself from the pain that is happening. A mother’s tears over a lost son stream down my own cheeks. The violence between races fills me with sorrow.  The rift in our country makes me afraid, and feeling helpless. I don’t want to feel these things, but it is not a choice. A heart open to love is also open to receive pain.

When I was a young girl I was at a friend’s house....there were several of us hanging out there that day. I remember the conversation turning ugly, mean things being said about others, and it made me so sad that I left the group and went into the kitchen and sat at the table with my friend’s mom. She told me, “you are not like the others. You are a Peacemaker.” I didn’t really understand what she meant, but could tell from the love and adoration in her eyes, that it was a good thing, and yet a cross that I would have to bear.

Yesterday I called a friend of mine, to talk about the hate going on in our country. He is a black man, and I just needed to hear his perspective.  He grew up in LA, immersed in the gangs and violence, and carries bullet scars as a permanent reminder of that life that he chose to leave behind, to choose love as a way of life instead. We both agreed that it is a choice we all need to make. (Although, I don’t think I really had a choice, this is just the way I am.) And even if it means getting hurt in the process of having an open heart, it is still the right thing to do. Open your heart and let love pour out.

I work with young children, and as part of my job I try to be the best example of Love that I can be. When they are hurt, I take that pain from them. When they act unkindly to  others, I try to show them a better way. When they are struggling, I give them peace.

As a musician, I have been given a beautiful opportunity to share the healing power of songs. I sing songs of hope and joy to the seniors in an assisted living home. Songs of life to the families at the farmer’s market. In bars I share songs of love and loss, knowing that we are all broken, but when I sing with tears falling from my eyes, I hope that there is a message  in my words....I understand your pain because I feel it too.

I cannot change what has happened in Orlando, or Dallas, or other places far away, but I can change the small part of the world where I live, by touching the lives of those I come in contact with.  By keeping my heart open.  To not judge by the color of someone’s skin, but see them for what they are inside. To not let a person’s past stop me from pouring love into the person they are now. These are the ways in which we can heal this planet. This is The Heart of the Matter: LOVE.

Old Growth

They walked together

Through the old forest

Their love as ancient

As the moss covered trees,

Rooted deep within the Earth.

Their hearts had become one

With the passing of time,

Their souls sharing this journey

Through life.

Coming up the path

She saw him

Leaning against a tree.

The sight of him

Took her breath away.

She smiled to think,

That after all these years

He could still cause

Such a stir within her.

And he, seeing her smile,

Thanked the Earth

For guiding them together

So long ago.

Then he heard the forest whisper,

“This is all I ever wanted for you,

For any of you,

To feel my joy

And be filled with love.”

Rishell Graves

May 12, 2012

(For Kim and Mario)

This Other Life

This Other Life

Although

My feet have not touched this soil,

My heart has been here often.

Perhaps in a past lifetime,

Or one yet to be.

I have come to know this place,

Learned to call it home.

I can see myself

Drinking coffee in the morning sun,

Glasses of wine in the late afternoon,

Listening to the hum of bees

In fields of lavender.

From a villa on the hillside

I can smell the sweet grapes

Ripening in the vineyard below,

Mixed with the blooms of

Cabbage roses.

At night I lie beneath olive trees

With brown-skinned lovers,

Under chiaro di luna,

Our laughter floating on the breeze.

On warm summer days

I sit on the balcony,

Pen in hand,

And write the stories

Living inside of me.

Memories that lie

Just beneath the surface.

Sometimes in my dreams

I go there again,

Catching glimpses of

This other life,

Where I flourish and grow

In the hills of Tuscany.

Rishell Graves

April 1, 2012

What I Am

What I Am

 

When people ask if I’m a writer

I say, “No, but I love to write.”

To put my feelings down on paper,

Release them from my heart,

Give them honor,

Offer them to the world.

 

I’m not sure what it means to be a healer,

But I’ve always been able to quiet a crying baby,

Or find the right words to offer comfort.

I have held the hand of a friend during chemo,

Smiled into the eyes of strangers,

Given my last two dollars to a homeless man,

And I hope, in these small ways,

I am healing this planet.

 

I’ve never thought of myself as religious,

But when I am sitting on the banks of a river,

Standing in a cathedral of trees,

Or looking into the stars at night;

When I love without walls,

So deeply that we become one person

Without beginning or end,

In these times I feel God by my side,

And I think,

“This is what religion is to me.”

 

There are so many things that I am not,

So many things I never will be,

But it’s what I am that defines me,

And to me, that’s what really matters.

 

 

Rishell Graves

April 22, 2010