The Right Words

Saying “I love you” is just not enough.

Shouldn’t there be some other words,

Reserved only for the eternal, soul-shaking kind of love?

Something like:

“I knew you the first time I saw you,

And even in my youth, I understood

That this was not our first lifetime.”

Or:

“The years may pass by,

Each of us living separate lives,

But time cannot sever the connection between us.”

Or maybe

I should just be grateful that our paths crossed,

That you are a shining star in my life,

And I will tell you again and again, “I love you,”

Until I find the right words to say.

Melody

You are the song I sing,
That fills my soul with light.
And even though it breaks my heart
over and over again,
I cannot let it go.
There is so much beauty
in the melody of you.

Rishell Graves
May 17, 2017

Love's Lesson

I learned early on that loving someone does not always mean that they will be in my life the way I hoped. Maybe their definition of love, or the ability to do so, is different from my own. still, I have not let that stop me from opening my heart. The joy is found in the giving. And the greatest lesson I have learned is to love myself.

That Night

Fifteen Minutes

"I know
I’m coming to the coda
as I know all waltzes stop.
If we stay at distance
five years more is all I need
If you hold me
fifteen minutes should be plenty."
(Rod McKuen)

I copied this poem onto the back of a photograph over forty years ago, and I have kept it to remind me of one of the happiest times of my life, which was also, ironically, the beginning of a heartache that has never left. No amount of joy can erase the feeling of missing someone. You look for ways to ignore the sadness, to find substitutes, but nothing ever feels quite right. I found myself there again recently, although only briefly. It was then that I realized that the homesickness I had been feeling all these years was gone when I was in his arms.
Oh, how I long for another fifteen minutes.

Thank you

Thank you for showing me what love is NOT.
Now I will recognize what love IS,
With eyes wide open.

Thank you for all of the lies,
because now I know not to listen to words,
But instead, hear  a person's heart.

Thank you for walking out on me,
Leaving me to be free,
And remember myself again.

Thank you for the chance to choose
forgiveness instead of hate,
Love instead of fear,
And to live each day in gratitude.

Thank you for breaking my heart
And leaving me shattered into a million pieces,
Because the ME I picked up and put back together
Is so much better than before,

With a beautiful light
shining through all of the cracks.

Rishell Graves
February 27, 2017

Traces

There are traces of everyone I have ever loved,

Things I could never let go of.

The sound of laughter,

The taste of tears,

The way he smiled.

A scent that reminds me of one,

A song that brings me back to another.

Voices that still haunt me,

Others that bring comfort.

Each is a part of who I have become.

I carry these pieces in my heart,

The DNA of each lover imprinted on my cells.

The light of every star that formed them,

Mixed with the starlight of my own soul.

Is it any wonder that I cannot turn loose of these parts of myself,

Made from the traces of others?

I keep each one safe inside, a part of me forever,

A big swirling mass of LOVE

That has created and defined what I am.

Happy Birthday Dan Fogelberg

Today would have been Dan Fogelberg's birthday, but like so many great musicians he was taken from us much too soon.

I remember the first time I saw him was at an Eagles concert. He was the opening act...just him sitting at the piano, singing. He touched my heart with the first song he sang. And then he contintinued to do so for years, his music helping me through those soul-searching years of my youth.

I got to meet him in the late 70's when my friend Tom Kelly's band, Fools Gold, was his back-up band. It was the morning following his concert, and we were in the hotel lobby. He seemed so distant. We made eye contact, and there was so much sadness there. I smiled at him, but did not say anything, and I wish I would have. Maybe he just needed a word of encouragement, or to know someone cared in that moment.

A few years ago he visited me in a dream, and told me the answer to a question in my life. The dream was so real, the message so profound.

Thank you Dan for touching my life for so many years with your amazing music.
R.I.P.

I See Your Broken Pieces

I see your broken pieces, and I want to gather them up and put you back together again. That's what I do because I am a healer. Because my heart is so full of love that I long to give away. That's what I have done over and over again. There is a long list of failed attempts.

It has taken me years to finally figure it out. I cannot fix the broken people. Yes, I can give them comfort and a temporary fix. It may last for a night, a few months, years, decades....but in the end they are still broken, and I am left with a shattered heart. Left to put myself back together once again.

I don't know why I am drawn to the souls who are so broken. Why my eyes meet theirs across a room full of people, or deep in the forest, or on a crowded city street, and we know each other. This is not a bad thing, reconnecting with my soul family, here on Earth. But I need to go about it differently. I need to let go of the notion of ownership. There is no "soul mate" that I need to spend my life with. We all belong to each other, and yet no one can own another. This is where I fall....in believing I have found my other half, when really I am whole all by myself.

This time, when I see your eyes so full of pain, I will still open my arms to you. I will let LOVE pour from my heart, and you can choose whether or not you want to receive it. But I will not be your "bandaid."  I will not add you to my list of projects. I will not give myself away.

I will acknowledge the pain that we both may feel, kiss the broken parts so that you might see them, show you how to glue them back together yourself. I will hold onto my own spirit and let it's strength guide me. I will still say, "I love you," because I do. Because that is what I am: LOVE.

Loving without ownership

"Just because you are not "mine" does not mean that I should not love you. Because really, we all belong to each other. It is our destiny to love one another. And so I will continue to pour love into you, whether you are beside me or apart- it makes no difference- and I hope you can receive it, this gift from God, and feel the great joy with which it is given."

I wrote these words recently to a friend of mine, to try to make him see what I meant about loving without ownership.

Once we let go of the ideas we have been trained to believe, that connection needs to lead to a "relationship" between two people, we can be truly free to love. It is EGO that feels the need to own someone, and if we can move beyond that, and love with our spirit, we can love without fear.

My heart knows this truth, and I share it with grace.

Me, singing a cover of CREEP

It's not you, it's me

A couple of days ago I got a phone call from D, the man who has been pursuing me for the past few months. When our paths first crossed he stopped to tell me how attracted he was to me, and I was so shocked I didn't know what to say.  I mean, he was gorgeous, and a lot younger than me, and it was the last thing I expected.  I have to admit I have enjoyed his phone calls, texts and meeting for coffee, and the way he makes me laugh and feel better about myself. But I felt it was only fair to let him know that this is not the time for me to be involved with anyone. Coming out of the wreckage and betrayal of my last 5 year relationship, I am finally starting to get my head above water. I explained that I had to just focus on ME right now. When I said the words, "it's not you, it's me" I could barely believe I was using that old cliche', let alone turning down a beautiful man with a kind heart, who I really did not want to hurt. I hope he believed me. He said he understood. I know my heart, and it doesn't just take love lightly, and right now it is so fragile. Still, I thank the universe for sending him my way, to boost my shattered self-esteem, and to give me hope that someday I WILL be ready. Until then, I will move forward with the love of the one person I know will not hurt me...MYSELF.

Neverland

I am lying in my bed, in the sanctuary I have created, looking up at the canopy netting above and beside me. This is where I go to center myself, count my blessings, and calm my broken heart. I think of how it feels like looking up into the clouds, and the white lights above me are like the stars of dusk. Maybe I can find my future somewhere, there in the twinkling glow. "Second star to the right, and straight on 'til morning...." These words I now associate with someone new, who has touched my soul and healed me in ways for which I am forever grateful. And I sigh, ah yes, Neverland. That is where I want to go. Not forever, but just for awhile, until I can find my way again. Maybe there I could love freely, without rules or restrictions. I could walk hand-in-hand with the lost boy who needs comfort as much as I do. My heart longs for this kind of freedom, but time has brought me here, to the world where I am all grown up. Where the only way I can get to Neverland is in my dreams. And so I close my eyes, and go there once again.

The Heart of the Matter

This is the title of one of my favorite Don Henley tunes, a beautiful song about forgiveness. However, there is so much more to this phrase. This week, in the wake of another series of  shootings, my heart is broken again. I cannot separate myself from the pain that is happening. A mother’s tears over a lost son stream down my own cheeks. The violence between races fills me with sorrow.  The rift in our country makes me afraid, and feeling helpless. I don’t want to feel these things, but it is not a choice. A heart open to love is also open to receive pain.

When I was a young girl I was at a friend’s house....there were several of us hanging out there that day. I remember the conversation turning ugly, mean things being said about others, and it made me so sad that I left the group and went into the kitchen and sat at the table with my friend’s mom. She told me, “you are not like the others. You are a Peacemaker.” I didn’t really understand what she meant, but could tell from the love and adoration in her eyes, that it was a good thing, and yet a cross that I would have to bear.

Yesterday I called a friend of mine, to talk about the hate going on in our country. He is a black man, and I just needed to hear his perspective.  He grew up in LA, immersed in the gangs and violence, and carries bullet scars as a permanent reminder of that life that he chose to leave behind, to choose love as a way of life instead. We both agreed that it is a choice we all need to make. (Although, I don’t think I really had a choice, this is just the way I am.) And even if it means getting hurt in the process of having an open heart, it is still the right thing to do. Open your heart and let love pour out.

I work with young children, and as part of my job I try to be the best example of Love that I can be. When they are hurt, I take that pain from them. When they act unkindly to  others, I try to show them a better way. When they are struggling, I give them peace.

As a musician, I have been given a beautiful opportunity to share the healing power of songs. I sing songs of hope and joy to the seniors in an assisted living home. Songs of life to the families at the farmer’s market. In bars I share songs of love and loss, knowing that we are all broken, but when I sing with tears falling from my eyes, I hope that there is a message  in my words....I understand your pain because I feel it too.

I cannot change what has happened in Orlando, or Dallas, or other places far away, but I can change the small part of the world where I live, by touching the lives of those I come in contact with.  By keeping my heart open.  To not judge by the color of someone’s skin, but see them for what they are inside. To not let a person’s past stop me from pouring love into the person they are now. These are the ways in which we can heal this planet. This is The Heart of the Matter: LOVE.

Old Growth

They walked together

Through the old forest

Their love as ancient

As the moss covered trees,

Rooted deep within the Earth.

Their hearts had become one

With the passing of time,

Their souls sharing this journey

Through life.

Coming up the path

She saw him

Leaning against a tree.

The sight of him

Took her breath away.

She smiled to think,

That after all these years

He could still cause

Such a stir within her.

And he, seeing her smile,

Thanked the Earth

For guiding them together

So long ago.

Then he heard the forest whisper,

“This is all I ever wanted for you,

For any of you,

To feel my joy

And be filled with love.”

Rishell Graves

May 12, 2012

(For Kim and Mario)

This Other Life

This Other Life

Although

My feet have not touched this soil,

My heart has been here often.

Perhaps in a past lifetime,

Or one yet to be.

I have come to know this place,

Learned to call it home.

I can see myself

Drinking coffee in the morning sun,

Glasses of wine in the late afternoon,

Listening to the hum of bees

In fields of lavender.

From a villa on the hillside

I can smell the sweet grapes

Ripening in the vineyard below,

Mixed with the blooms of

Cabbage roses.

At night I lie beneath olive trees

With brown-skinned lovers,

Under chiaro di luna,

Our laughter floating on the breeze.

On warm summer days

I sit on the balcony,

Pen in hand,

And write the stories

Living inside of me.

Memories that lie

Just beneath the surface.

Sometimes in my dreams

I go there again,

Catching glimpses of

This other life,

Where I flourish and grow

In the hills of Tuscany.

Rishell Graves

April 1, 2012

What I Am

What I Am

 

When people ask if I’m a writer

I say, “No, but I love to write.”

To put my feelings down on paper,

Release them from my heart,

Give them honor,

Offer them to the world.

 

I’m not sure what it means to be a healer,

But I’ve always been able to quiet a crying baby,

Or find the right words to offer comfort.

I have held the hand of a friend during chemo,

Smiled into the eyes of strangers,

Given my last two dollars to a homeless man,

And I hope, in these small ways,

I am healing this planet.

 

I’ve never thought of myself as religious,

But when I am sitting on the banks of a river,

Standing in a cathedral of trees,

Or looking into the stars at night;

When I love without walls,

So deeply that we become one person

Without beginning or end,

In these times I feel God by my side,

And I think,

“This is what religion is to me.”

 

There are so many things that I am not,

So many things I never will be,

But it’s what I am that defines me,

And to me, that’s what really matters.

 

 

Rishell Graves

April 22, 2010

Before You

Before You



Before you

I traveled roads unknown

just to see where they would lead.

There was no plan,

only a search for happiness.



Rivers, mountains, or city streets

the call was the same.

And each journey left me

longing for more.



Before you

I could not name

what was missing from my life.

How could I miss something

I had never known?



There was a joy in my freedom,

but also a sadness.

A comfort in the arms of others

that always ended with emptiness.



But now I know

what I had been missing.

I understand why I felt so incomplete.

And each road I travel

leads me back home to you.





-Rishell Graves

January 3, 2012

Eyes of Blue

Eyes of Blue

Last year

We sat at this same table

On a day much like today,

Drinking coffee

In the late spring sunshine.

You read to me

The poems of a lonely man,

And somewhere in those words

I found a piece of myself.

That day I was lost

In the blue of your eyes,

The sound of your voice,

The gentleness of your smile.

And when I surfaced I knew

To look for a man

With a tender heart,

To find the one with a smile

That matched my own,

And eyes of blue that would see me

For all that I am,

And love me

For what I can still become.

-Rishell Graves

Fall 2011

Grandmother's Tree

Grandmother’s Tree

As a child

I would sit beneath

My Grandmother’s Christmas tree,

Watching the bubbles rise

In lights shaped like candles,

The pink liquid percolating within.

Those lights took center stage

To shiny bulbs,

Tinsel,

Even the presents underneath.

Some years the branches

Were flocked with fake snow,

Which hid the green boughs,

But still let the smell of the forest

Fill the room.

My cousins would wrestle

On the living room floor,

In front of the big wood stove.

But I would sit alone,

Beneath the glow of that tree,

And dream the dreams of a young girl

Who still believed in magic.

-Rishell Graves

December, 2011